Mothering and Becoming Myself

THIS Series on Motherhood/Work Balance is SO hitting home to me lately.

My sweet baby girl is officially a toddler now and things are shifting for me. The first several months, and really almost the first year, of her life I was just going with the flow. Getting used to taking care of an infant, understanding her unique little personality, meanwhile trying to take care of myself was no small task and it took all the attention I could gather. After she turned a year old, I felt conviction to begin scheduling out my days, planning her naps, planning quiet time for me, time for Bible study/journaling/prayer, exercise, meal planning, cleaning and really all those things that are on my to-do list. With more of a schedule in place now, I felt relief and accomplishment. But there were still pockets of unclaimed time and a sense at the end of each day "what did I do with myself today?" I started feeling lost, as many young mothers do. I figured this was just the season of motherhood, that the days are long and the years are short, as they say.

I love staying home with my girl. It's exactly where I want to be. But I am beginning to strongly feel like I must not abandon myself to motherhood and forget my dreams, desires, and God-given gifts. I can't just put myself "on hold" until I have an empty nest. Especially with my history of co-dependency, I am hyper-aware of my penchant for martyrdom and idealism and perfectionism which all contribute to a suffocating version of motherhood that I keep selling to myself.

My friend Brandie and I were discussing this idea of wanting to balance motherhood with work/hobby/activity that inspires a woman to be herself. I feel exasperate, how is a woman to do it all!??!

My friend Liz said something really remarkable to me at a Bible study a few months ago- that she finds her ambitions in motherhood by asking herself what kind of mother would she want for her daughter. That sort of objectivity has been so eye-opening to my own ambitions for my motherhood!

I want my daughter to have a mother who is fully alive in her giftedness.
I want my daughter to have a mother who isn't afraid to try new things, things that don't necessarily make sense.
I want my daughter to have a mother who isn't afraid to fail.
I want my daughter to have a mother who keeps moving forward, even when the next step is uncertain.
I want my daughter to have a mother who is strong and laughs at the days to come.
I want my daughter to have a mother who is passionate about becoming the person God made her a little more every day.
I want my daughter to have a mother who follows God with her whole entire heart and soul.
I want to be that role model to my daughter, to teach by example, by living, by moving, by loving.



 

Birk Love

I've been watching this Birkenstock craze to see if it will stick...

My only connotation of that sandal was that hippies and my aunt with foot problems wear them so they didn't exactly strike me as glam. I was so skeptical, assuming it would be a mild trend that not many people actually embrace (think, recent overall comeback), but Y'ALL, it's sticking around! And they're actually looking AWESOME!

Then I saw Sarah over at Whoorl gushing about them on Facebook and so many people commented with their Birk-clad feet! And all so cute. It kind of solidified my enchantment.

My very sweet ol' lady Abby (that means "roomie" in Aggie talk) messaged me one day about seeing my comment on FB about Birks. She was wanting the exact pair! Within the week, she had found some stellar deal at DSW and is now the proud owner of some Black Gizahs. The following week, I texted her asking how they were feeling, and as we're talking, I get out to fill up my car at the gas station and the woman in the sleek black escalade next to me steps out of her car wearing, you guessed it, some Gizahs.

Duh, if Heidi Klum is wearing them, they must be in. 

Yah, so pretty much, all this to say, destiny wants me to get myself a pair. And who am I to disagree with destiny? :)



 

Open Plan

So I guess almost year between posts in normal when you have a baby, right? Here's hoping to a little more consistency as I now have a TODDLER! (How did that happen?)

I love Jenny's blog Little Green Notebook and was perusing her posts last night when I saw THIS:

everything. I love everything.

It literally took my breath away. As I scrolled down looking at each beautiful image, I realized my appreciation was not just for the style and aesthetic, but also for the open plan. I've often been an open plan snob. Often clients ask me for a melding of the formal and casual spaces which can often look mish-mashed. And often times builder-ready homes marketed to have "open plans"really just look like a great room with no delineation of space.

paintings above the sink

But now that I am a mother and have a VERY busy toddler who always wants to be under my feet, I am COMPLETELY ENAMORED with the concept of an open plan living space. I mean, wash the dishes in a closed off kitchen that's separate from the family room? Last week when I did that, I found my 15 month old, in the powder bath, stirring toilet water with one arm up to her armpits, and holding her can of puff snacks with the other- I presume she was attempting chip 'n' dip. ::Shudder:: Gross.

fridge, microwave, beg area opening into the dining area

So anyway, I'm a recent convert to open plan homes. And THIS one does it so well.

those shades WITH the patterned draperies! (She's also a textile designer and that fabric is her own design! Love a woman who creates in several media!

You may have already seen these pics in Domino of Lauren Liess's incredible renovation. She tore down walls, re-configured the kitchen layout completely, added a big beautiful island, and made a bar/fridge nook off to the side near the dining space. It's so incredible.

the flavor of her kitchen just flows right into the open family room. 

She did such an amazing job creating a large multi-tasking space with style that flows. I love how well she did that!

The space has such a great vintage/country/industrial vibe that is inviting, unique, and casual while staying stylish and cool. I think those open iron shelves are my favorite too- although I'm still not convinced I could do open shelves in my own kitchen (too many mismatched messy things!).

I also LOVE the barstools and that leather living room chair in the bottom left-hand corner of this photo.

For more photos, check out her blog here.


 

Lessons from Sleep Training

When I had a brand new tiny human placed in my arms at the hospital, I vowed NEVER to sleep train via the Cry It Out (CIO) method. What cruel mother would do that to her perfect little bundle of love and neediness?

I stood by that statement until 2 weeks ago, when Zoe turned 5 months and we had been dealing with the 4 month sleep regression for 6 weeks with no signs of changing. I would rock and nurse Zoe to sleep at bedtime, and then do the dance of put her in her bassinet, she wakes up and cries, so I rock her some more. We would do this about 5 times before she would stay asleep in the bassinet. Then she would wake up screaming every 1-2 hours all through the night. Early in the night, I would repeat the rock and nurse to sleep routine, but in the wee hours of the morning, in my delirium, I would give up and just put her in bed with me. This didn't fix anything because she'd still wake up every 1-2 hours, I'd nurse her next to me, but she would have a hard time falling back asleep, so I'd hold her really tightly to keep her from flailing herself awake. I would wake up the next morning more exhausted than before, feeling like I'd wrestled a baby alligator all night long. And Zoe would wake up cranky for the day too. Fun.

Naptimes were equally fun. Because Zoe had never self-soothed, she didn't know how to nap and she was growing and learning so much that nursing to sleep didn't happen during the day because she wanted to look at EVERYTHING around her. "Oh, look, a stuffed animal over there!" "Oh look, your bra strap is interesting?" "Oh look, the sunbeam on the wall is so cool." Seriously? I would usually give up and strap her in my Ergo, cover her head so she couldn't see anything and do chores or something to rock her to sleep. So yah, my days were super relaxing. Lots of moms recommended just taking a nap with Zoe, but that didn't work because I couldn't actually get her to sleep on the bed with me- she was too distracted.

One morning after wrestling my baby alligator all night long, I turned to Taylor and confessed the secret resentment that was beginning to grow towards my perfect little baby. That little fleck of resentment was my red flag that something wasn't working and that maybe I did need to consider letting Zoe learn to self-soothe.

I began thinking about Zoe as a toddler and how this waking all night thing would NOT fly as she got older, especially once she learns how to climb out of her crib and once we have other babies to tend to.

So, I called and texted some of my most trusted mama friends- you know, the ones who mother the way you want to mother. They gave me their pep talks, their instructions and trouble shooting details, and as soon as I shared them with Taylor, he was on board 100%- what a man!

We started last night. It was so rough.

The only other times I've heard my baby scream and shriek like that is when she's in her carseat and is sleepy and there's nowhere for mommy to exit to help her. Terrible.

So we laid in bed next to her bassinet (she couldn't see us), listening to her scream, comforting her every couple of minutes. She would stop and pause, start again, make little protesting sounds, then resume shrieking. I'd pick her up to comfort her, tell her that I love her and want to teach her how to sleep and sooth herself, that I didn't leave and I'm right here. It was hard. So glad to have my man supporting me and Zoe in this new, difficult thing.

As I lay there wrestling with dualing thoughts, "this is good for her, I'm being a good mama teaching her how to sleep" vs "she is so mad, I hope she doesn't think I've left her," I started seeing the parallels with God's training in my life.

God often times allows me to go through really really awful, painful seasons for my own good. Of course, I don't know they're for my own good when they're happening. In the moment, I think bad things are just happening to me. I get mad and throw fits at God, demanding He show me where He is, that He fix this, that I really really can't take it anymore. But just like I am with Zoe, God is right there IN my struggle, not fixing it because the training is good for me, and He knows I really can take it. He trains me because He loves me, just like I am doing with Zoe.

He isn't selfish, just wanting more time to himself to watch TV or have a break (which is what I wrongly assumed most mothers wanted when they "subjected" their babies to CIO sleep training). He is tenderly, lovingly watching me and training me, doing what is best for me. Just like I am doing for Zoe.

For the time being no discipline brings joy, but seems grievous and painful; but afterwards it yields a peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it [a harvest of fruit which consists in righteousness—in conformity to God’s will in purpose, thought, and action, resulting in right living and right standing with God].- Hebrews 12:5-11

The moment she gave in and fell asleep after 30 minutes of intermittant (and comforted) crying, I was relieved and hopeful that it wouldn't be this bad next time. And you know what? The next time, she cried less and surrendered to sleep more quickly.

When she woke up the next morning her cheery, loving, precious self, I couldn't wait to bring her into my bed for some morning cuddles and ten thousand kisses on her sweet chubby cheeks. I felt so proud of her.

I think and hope that God must be watching us from the metophorical bedside, cheering for us when we struggle with new and difficult things, and that He is so excited to celebrate with us in the morning.



xoxo,

 

So I'm a mom now... (a.k.a. my Zoe's birth story)

Sorry for the radio silence for the last 6 months! We moved into a bigger place, had a zillion baby showers, I had our first baby, and we've been adjusting to parenthood since! So yah, no big deal.

I've hesitated sharing my birth story because a blog is quite a public place to share such a personal, intimate part of my life experience. But I'm such a sucker for birth stories, reading so many online, I thought I should go ahead and contribute to the beautiful world of birth stores.

I hope you enjoy reading mine. God is so good.

My due date was March 4, but my midwife, Natalie, encouraged me not to take that date seriously and have plenty of projects and distractions to busy myself with. I took this suggestion to heart.

me, working, just a couple days before

me organizing the baby stuff = "playing"

getting some last minute maternity photos done

 Saturday, March 2nd, Taylor and I woke up early to go to a farmer's market with his sister and her family (Kim and Bill). At the farmer's market, I had a couple "cramps" that felt new. I assumed they were Braxton Hicks, since I still hadn't gotten any of those yet. I whispered to Taylor that I was having them, but they were probably nothing. We didn't want to tell anyone just in case I had false labor for some long period of time.

So we went home and took naps. Taylor woke up before me to go pick up our new clothes washer (YAY! Thanks, Granny!) and get it installed. I woke up feeling fine, no cramps. When he got back, we went to dinner at The Counter with his cousin Steven, who'd helped us pick up the washer and install it. I had a few more intense "cramps" at dinner and decided to start tracking them on my iPhone app- they were between 10 and 7 mins apart. They were getting stronger, longer, and closer together, just as our Bradley Method instructor, Karen, told us they would if they were real contractions. I remember ordering a veggie burger just in case I did go into labor that night knowing that a heavy burger would be a BAD choice, ha!

When we got home, I was ready to putter around the apartment. I folded some clean baby laundry and worked a little bit in the baby's room (which was in complete disarray because we thought we had so much time). I kept timing the contractions which were easy enough to breath through- they were 5-7 minutes apart. My mom called and we visited on the phone for a bit and there were two difficult contractions while I was on the phone with her. But I still wasn't convinced they were real contractions, so I didn't say anything about it to my mom (sorry Mom!).

I texted my midwife around 8pm telling her the history of the timing of the contractions and she said to take a warm bath, eat a good dinner, and try to sleep to get energy for the labor. The bath did not slow the contractions. In fact, I had a few in the tub and had Taylor come in and time them for me. Taylor and I had a special moment while I was soaking in the tub- he sweetly told me how he wanted to be connected throughout all this and that he was there to love and support me. Enough sweet talk, another contraction was coming.

timing contractions & reviewing Bradley
Method info on contractions

I got out of the tub and tried lying down to rest, but lying down made the contractions so much WORSE! The only thing that was helpful was sitting on my birthing ball and making circles with my hips. Sometimes standing up and swaying in a circle felt better too. I was having to use all my breathing and concentration to get through each contraction. Probably around 9pm, I saw some bloody show and the midwife texted Taylor telling him that this was indeed a sign of labor and our baby was on the way! Contractions were 2-3 minutes apart at this point.

hip circles on the ball

I kept working through the contractions on my ball, breathing deeply, until they started hitting harder! Taylor knew it was time to go to the birth center when I could no longer relax through them and I sounded much different. Pretty sure I dropped the F-bomb during one of my contractions. Natalie texted him the go-ahead to come on.

Somewhere around here, I realized we still hadn't installed the carseat- so Taylor packed our bags in the car and installed the carseat. We got in the car and began the fast drive along I-10 to the Katy Birth Center. Oh man, that drive was rough! It was all I could do to breath through the pain. We arrived at the birth center at 12:30am. Natalie checked me and was shocked and delighted to find me dialated to 8cm already! We thought this birth was going to be a fast one! She filled up the birthing pool for me (which is where I planned to deliver) where I labored and then began to push.

birth ball = pain reduction!

Oh my word, pushing was so incredibly painful! I was not prepared for THAT sensation! I felt very zen and calm through the first phase of labor- it was like a painful yoga class where you have to breath into the pain. But pushing was so different. The pain changed to a sensation I can only describe as my whole body feeling like it was going to split in half. I really thought my body would take over and would push on its own, but I really struggled with knowing which muscles to use and what to do with this new pain. The pain got so intense that I began resisting it instead of just going with it. I started getting scared. I started wimpering, I can't do it, I can't push. Taylor and Natalie kept encouraging me to lean into it and push WITH the pain.

Taylor and Natalie coaching me to push with the pressure

exhausted

I tried pushing in the pool, then I tried on the toilet, then I tried on a birthing stool, then I tried side-lying on the bed and NOTHING felt better. I told Taylor with a straight face (which he thought hilarious) that "This is hard. Nothing feels good."

After a few contractions on the bed, the baby's heart rate began dropping with each push. Natalie had to push the baby back up inside me at one point to see if she would reposition. It was probably close to 5 am at this point and I was spent! I had absolutely no energy to push anymore. Natalie was praying for me, hooking me up to oxygen, and an IV, trying to get me to perk up so I could keep pushing. Taylor was exhausted and I could tell a little scared. I rested for a while, just breathing through contractions instead of pushing through them and nothing was helping. I felt so powerless and so tired. I didn't feel like I had it in me to get the baby out. 

Finally, Natalie turned to Taylor and told him that we needed to get ready to go to the hospital because the baby's heart rate kept getting lower and that maybe an epidural or seomthing to help me with the pain would help me push her out. It was so surreal hearing Natalie say that. My dream water birth was gone. I felt like a failure but at the same time, was just ready to get our baby out however she needed to come out and I was so tired of being in pain.

Taylor drove me and Natalie to the nearest hospital Memorial Herman Katy and I kept having contractions as I was walking in- so painful. 

early morning at the Memorial Herman Katy hospital

They wheeled me into a delivery room and a plethora of nurses began asking me tons of legal and medical questions, having me sign my life away in case of any problems. They gave me something to slow the contractions, but it did not really work. 

Natalie on the upper left, Dr. Bertles on the lower left,
and two of several nurses coaching me.

The doctor on call came in and was preparing to do a C-section. Natalie was my greatest advocate and really pleaded with her to give me a few more opportunities to push with all the fetal monitors. I pushed a few times (completely exhausted), and baby girl didn't budge. The doctor said I could have one more try and then we were heading into surgery. I pushed with everything I could and I suspect God gave me favor because baby started descending again! I had 4 nurses and my midwife and Taylor surrounding me on the hospital bed, holding back my knees, and yelling and encouraging me with each contraction. The last few pushes, baby's head would crown, and then go back a little.

Taylor said he went to the corner of the room and got on his knees and just opened his hands, telling God we wanted to receive whatever He wanted to give us.

For the last contraction, the doctor told me to push and not stop even if the contraction ended. I pushed as hard as I could, the doctor simultaneously cut an episiotomy (ouch!), and our baby's head an body came out in two pushes! I could not believe how big she looked!!! She was HUGE! I couldn't believe she came out of me! They handed her to me and I was in love. Taylor cried while I cooed over our little girl and the doctor stitched me up. It was amazing!!! I was so glad my midwife was there with me the whole time and so glad I got through the whole birth without major medication or C-section. It was the hardest most painful thing I've ever done. And if course I would do it again for her.

the picture we texted family and friends

Taylor and I just stare at her and marvel at how wonderful she is. What a gift God gave us! 

Her name means life. We picked it because we sensed God would use her to bring new life to us and our families. It's also significant to us because God gave us this life, after a miscarriage last year. And after her complicated birth, God gave us this beautiful life that we are so crazy in love with. She is such new life and favor. Such a beautiful gift.

Even though I didn't have the exact birth I was hoping for, the wonderful doctor and nurses and the hospital stay were all marked with God's favor. And I was so blessed to have my midwife with me the entire time.

It was truly beautiful. 

our little family

xoxo,

 

Week 1 Menu

 After binging on all kinds of sweets over Christmas, so much so that my midwife said my newfound Restless Legs are a result, I am committing to feeding this baby healthier food. Oh yah, and I'll need to be fit and nourished for that whole natural birth thing coming up in 61 days (WHAT IN THE WORLD!?!?!?).

So here's my menu for the week (Clockwise from Top Left):
- learn to make a REAL bone broth (not the same as the boxed stuff). This stuff not only is full of minerals (duh, from bones), but it's supposed to cure all sorts of ailments and be amazing for fertility/pregnancy/babies. I plan on drinking a cup a day.
-Paleo-friendly Shepherd's Pie w/cauliflower mash on top! A friend who is a midwife made this with beef, kale, corn, carrots, and onions.
- Sausage, butternut squash, and brussel sprout roast- need I say more? Yum!
- Kale Salad That Even Kids Will Like- or in my case, my husband will even like. I think it's delicious!
- Crustless Kale and Leek Quiche- making this minus the cheese (not Paleo) for breakfasts.
- DIY Ghee, the clarified butter, the magical Paleo-friendly fat for cooking.


Click Below for any recipes and links. :)

Week 1 Menu by sgahm on Polyvore

A Study in Putting it All Together

   
 
  

Here's another project I've been working on. 

This client has a study that needs a little TLC. They adore Restoration Hardware and knew they wanted to source any and all new pieces from there, they just needed a little help with the layout, windows, and accessories.

I drew up their plan and the room isn't very big, especially with the curved wall. I usually like to do two lounge chairs opposite a desk in a home office, but it was too crowded with the curved wall! So we went with one large statement chair- the Copenhagen.

I  didn't like how he was working off the built-ins, so I suggested we get a small desk (the one pictured is from Resto) to go in front, with a desk chair in between. Because the small room can feel crowded fast, I went with an open legged desk that would not get too visually heavy. We will accessorize the shelves with books and objets to give that main wall visual impact. 

I loved the black painted cabinet they already were using for storage (and surprise! it's also a secretary-style desk for her crafts and projects) and I loved having it along that secondary wall for interest. They just need help placing wall art around it and accessorizing the top (easy peasy). Putting that large Copenhagen chair in the corner gives a little reading nook and the height of the chair is good for that wall too.

The uncovered windows are on the front of the house (not very private!), so I suggested some grass shades flanked by stationary creamy linen panels, which will also soften up the dark masculine walls. I love the wall color they chose- it makes the space feel dark and intimate and manly. 

These people have great taste, but just needed me to help them put the pieces together.

I'll post pics when everything is complete!

xoxo,