Thursday, June 19, 2014

Mothering and Becoming Myself

THIS Series on Motherhood/Work Balance is SO hitting home to me lately.

My sweet baby girl is officially a toddler now and things are shifting for me. The first several months, and really almost the first year, of her life I was just going with the flow. Getting used to taking care of an infant, understanding her unique little personality, meanwhile trying to take care of myself was no small task and it took all the attention I could gather. After she turned a year old, I felt conviction to begin scheduling out my days, planning her naps, planning quiet time for me, time for Bible study/journaling/prayer, exercise, meal planning, cleaning and really all those things that are on my to-do list. With more of a schedule in place now, I felt relief and accomplishment. But there were still pockets of unclaimed time and a sense at the end of each day "what did I do with myself today?" I started feeling lost, as many young mothers do. I figured this was just the season of motherhood, that the days are long and the years are short, as they say.

I love staying home with my girl. It's exactly where I want to be. But I am beginning to strongly feel like I must not abandon myself to motherhood and forget my dreams, desires, and God-given gifts. I can't just put myself "on hold" until I have an empty nest. Especially with my history of co-dependency, I am hyper-aware of my penchant for martyrdom and idealism and perfectionism which all contribute to a suffocating version of motherhood that I keep selling to myself.

My friend Brandie and I were discussing this idea of wanting to balance motherhood with work/hobby/activity that inspires a woman to be herself. I feel exasperate, how is a woman to do it all!??!

My friend Liz said something really remarkable to me at a Bible study a few months ago- that she finds her ambitions in motherhood by asking herself what kind of mother would she want for her daughter. That sort of objectivity has been so eye-opening to my own ambitions for my motherhood!

I want my daughter to have a mother who is fully alive in her giftedness.
I want my daughter to have a mother who isn't afraid to try new things, things that don't necessarily make sense.
I want my daughter to have a mother who isn't afraid to fail.
I want my daughter to have a mother who keeps moving forward, even when the next step is uncertain.
I want my daughter to have a mother who is strong and laughs at the days to come.
I want my daughter to have a mother who is passionate about becoming the person God made her a little more every day.
I want my daughter to have a mother who follows God with her whole entire heart and soul.
I want to be that role model to my daughter, to teach by example, by living, by moving, by loving.


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