Mothering and Becoming Myself

THIS Series on Motherhood/Work Balance is SO hitting home to me lately.

My sweet baby girl is officially a toddler now and things are shifting for me. The first several months, and really almost the first year, of her life I was just going with the flow. Getting used to taking care of an infant, understanding her unique little personality, meanwhile trying to take care of myself was no small task and it took all the attention I could gather. After she turned a year old, I felt conviction to begin scheduling out my days, planning her naps, planning quiet time for me, time for Bible study/journaling/prayer, exercise, meal planning, cleaning and really all those things that are on my to-do list. With more of a schedule in place now, I felt relief and accomplishment. But there were still pockets of unclaimed time and a sense at the end of each day "what did I do with myself today?" I started feeling lost, as many young mothers do. I figured this was just the season of motherhood, that the days are long and the years are short, as they say.

I love staying home with my girl. It's exactly where I want to be. But I am beginning to strongly feel like I must not abandon myself to motherhood and forget my dreams, desires, and God-given gifts. I can't just put myself "on hold" until I have an empty nest. Especially with my history of co-dependency, I am hyper-aware of my penchant for martyrdom and idealism and perfectionism which all contribute to a suffocating version of motherhood that I keep selling to myself.

My friend Brandie and I were discussing this idea of wanting to balance motherhood with work/hobby/activity that inspires a woman to be herself. I feel exasperate, how is a woman to do it all!??!

My friend Liz said something really remarkable to me at a Bible study a few months ago- that she finds her ambitions in motherhood by asking herself what kind of mother would she want for her daughter. That sort of objectivity has been so eye-opening to my own ambitions for my motherhood!

I want my daughter to have a mother who is fully alive in her giftedness.
I want my daughter to have a mother who isn't afraid to try new things, things that don't necessarily make sense.
I want my daughter to have a mother who isn't afraid to fail.
I want my daughter to have a mother who keeps moving forward, even when the next step is uncertain.
I want my daughter to have a mother who is strong and laughs at the days to come.
I want my daughter to have a mother who is passionate about becoming the person God made her a little more every day.
I want my daughter to have a mother who follows God with her whole entire heart and soul.
I want to be that role model to my daughter, to teach by example, by living, by moving, by loving.



 

So I'm a mom now... (a.k.a. my Zoe's birth story)

Sorry for the radio silence for the last 6 months! We moved into a bigger place, had a zillion baby showers, I had our first baby, and we've been adjusting to parenthood since! So yah, no big deal.

I've hesitated sharing my birth story because a blog is quite a public place to share such a personal, intimate part of my life experience. But I'm such a sucker for birth stories, reading so many online, I thought I should go ahead and contribute to the beautiful world of birth stores.

I hope you enjoy reading mine. God is so good.

My due date was March 4, but my midwife, Natalie, encouraged me not to take that date seriously and have plenty of projects and distractions to busy myself with. I took this suggestion to heart.

me, working, just a couple days before

me organizing the baby stuff = "playing"

getting some last minute maternity photos done

 Saturday, March 2nd, Taylor and I woke up early to go to a farmer's market with his sister and her family (Kim and Bill). At the farmer's market, I had a couple "cramps" that felt new. I assumed they were Braxton Hicks, since I still hadn't gotten any of those yet. I whispered to Taylor that I was having them, but they were probably nothing. We didn't want to tell anyone just in case I had false labor for some long period of time.

So we went home and took naps. Taylor woke up before me to go pick up our new clothes washer (YAY! Thanks, Granny!) and get it installed. I woke up feeling fine, no cramps. When he got back, we went to dinner at The Counter with his cousin Steven, who'd helped us pick up the washer and install it. I had a few more intense "cramps" at dinner and decided to start tracking them on my iPhone app- they were between 10 and 7 mins apart. They were getting stronger, longer, and closer together, just as our Bradley Method instructor, Karen, told us they would if they were real contractions. I remember ordering a veggie burger just in case I did go into labor that night knowing that a heavy burger would be a BAD choice, ha!

When we got home, I was ready to putter around the apartment. I folded some clean baby laundry and worked a little bit in the baby's room (which was in complete disarray because we thought we had so much time). I kept timing the contractions which were easy enough to breath through- they were 5-7 minutes apart. My mom called and we visited on the phone for a bit and there were two difficult contractions while I was on the phone with her. But I still wasn't convinced they were real contractions, so I didn't say anything about it to my mom (sorry Mom!).

I texted my midwife around 8pm telling her the history of the timing of the contractions and she said to take a warm bath, eat a good dinner, and try to sleep to get energy for the labor. The bath did not slow the contractions. In fact, I had a few in the tub and had Taylor come in and time them for me. Taylor and I had a special moment while I was soaking in the tub- he sweetly told me how he wanted to be connected throughout all this and that he was there to love and support me. Enough sweet talk, another contraction was coming.

timing contractions & reviewing Bradley
Method info on contractions

I got out of the tub and tried lying down to rest, but lying down made the contractions so much WORSE! The only thing that was helpful was sitting on my birthing ball and making circles with my hips. Sometimes standing up and swaying in a circle felt better too. I was having to use all my breathing and concentration to get through each contraction. Probably around 9pm, I saw some bloody show and the midwife texted Taylor telling him that this was indeed a sign of labor and our baby was on the way! Contractions were 2-3 minutes apart at this point.

hip circles on the ball

I kept working through the contractions on my ball, breathing deeply, until they started hitting harder! Taylor knew it was time to go to the birth center when I could no longer relax through them and I sounded much different. Pretty sure I dropped the F-bomb during one of my contractions. Natalie texted him the go-ahead to come on.

Somewhere around here, I realized we still hadn't installed the carseat- so Taylor packed our bags in the car and installed the carseat. We got in the car and began the fast drive along I-10 to the Katy Birth Center. Oh man, that drive was rough! It was all I could do to breath through the pain. We arrived at the birth center at 12:30am. Natalie checked me and was shocked and delighted to find me dialated to 8cm already! We thought this birth was going to be a fast one! She filled up the birthing pool for me (which is where I planned to deliver) where I labored and then began to push.

birth ball = pain reduction!

Oh my word, pushing was so incredibly painful! I was not prepared for THAT sensation! I felt very zen and calm through the first phase of labor- it was like a painful yoga class where you have to breath into the pain. But pushing was so different. The pain changed to a sensation I can only describe as my whole body feeling like it was going to split in half. I really thought my body would take over and would push on its own, but I really struggled with knowing which muscles to use and what to do with this new pain. The pain got so intense that I began resisting it instead of just going with it. I started getting scared. I started wimpering, I can't do it, I can't push. Taylor and Natalie kept encouraging me to lean into it and push WITH the pain.

Taylor and Natalie coaching me to push with the pressure

exhausted

I tried pushing in the pool, then I tried on the toilet, then I tried on a birthing stool, then I tried side-lying on the bed and NOTHING felt better. I told Taylor with a straight face (which he thought hilarious) that "This is hard. Nothing feels good."

After a few contractions on the bed, the baby's heart rate began dropping with each push. Natalie had to push the baby back up inside me at one point to see if she would reposition. It was probably close to 5 am at this point and I was spent! I had absolutely no energy to push anymore. Natalie was praying for me, hooking me up to oxygen, and an IV, trying to get me to perk up so I could keep pushing. Taylor was exhausted and I could tell a little scared. I rested for a while, just breathing through contractions instead of pushing through them and nothing was helping. I felt so powerless and so tired. I didn't feel like I had it in me to get the baby out. 

Finally, Natalie turned to Taylor and told him that we needed to get ready to go to the hospital because the baby's heart rate kept getting lower and that maybe an epidural or seomthing to help me with the pain would help me push her out. It was so surreal hearing Natalie say that. My dream water birth was gone. I felt like a failure but at the same time, was just ready to get our baby out however she needed to come out and I was so tired of being in pain.

Taylor drove me and Natalie to the nearest hospital Memorial Herman Katy and I kept having contractions as I was walking in- so painful. 

early morning at the Memorial Herman Katy hospital

They wheeled me into a delivery room and a plethora of nurses began asking me tons of legal and medical questions, having me sign my life away in case of any problems. They gave me something to slow the contractions, but it did not really work. 

Natalie on the upper left, Dr. Bertles on the lower left,
and two of several nurses coaching me.

The doctor on call came in and was preparing to do a C-section. Natalie was my greatest advocate and really pleaded with her to give me a few more opportunities to push with all the fetal monitors. I pushed a few times (completely exhausted), and baby girl didn't budge. The doctor said I could have one more try and then we were heading into surgery. I pushed with everything I could and I suspect God gave me favor because baby started descending again! I had 4 nurses and my midwife and Taylor surrounding me on the hospital bed, holding back my knees, and yelling and encouraging me with each contraction. The last few pushes, baby's head would crown, and then go back a little.

Taylor said he went to the corner of the room and got on his knees and just opened his hands, telling God we wanted to receive whatever He wanted to give us.

For the last contraction, the doctor told me to push and not stop even if the contraction ended. I pushed as hard as I could, the doctor simultaneously cut an episiotomy (ouch!), and our baby's head an body came out in two pushes! I could not believe how big she looked!!! She was HUGE! I couldn't believe she came out of me! They handed her to me and I was in love. Taylor cried while I cooed over our little girl and the doctor stitched me up. It was amazing!!! I was so glad my midwife was there with me the whole time and so glad I got through the whole birth without major medication or C-section. It was the hardest most painful thing I've ever done. And if course I would do it again for her.

the picture we texted family and friends

Taylor and I just stare at her and marvel at how wonderful she is. What a gift God gave us! 

Her name means life. We picked it because we sensed God would use her to bring new life to us and our families. It's also significant to us because God gave us this life, after a miscarriage last year. And after her complicated birth, God gave us this beautiful life that we are so crazy in love with. She is such new life and favor. Such a beautiful gift.

Even though I didn't have the exact birth I was hoping for, the wonderful doctor and nurses and the hospital stay were all marked with God's favor. And I was so blessed to have my midwife with me the entire time.

It was truly beautiful. 

our little family

xoxo,

 

No Drown-a-versary, #8

So today is a heavier post. 

Today is my No Drown-a-versary (as my mother calls it)- the day I can't help but remember and re-post the story of God saving my life. Today, I am grateful to be alive, grateful for God's powerful hand in my life that I will never forget, grateful for His beautiful grace and goodness towards me. In 2004, as a 19 year old college student, I was in a place in my life where I felt angry at God and distant from Him. But as He promises, all I had to do was cry out for Him to save me, and He did- no strings attached. He swooped in with love.
I wrote this the day after if happened because: "His word is like a fire shut up in my bones. I am weary of holding it in; indeed, I cannot" (Jeremiah 20:9).



"The Night I Almost Died"

I was driving home from work at Gristmill (restaurant) around 9:20pm in the mist on slick roads when suddenly, without warning, my car slammed into 4 or 5 feet of water at a low water crossing. It was pitch black and I didn't know where or how high the water was. I didn't know what to do. I called Mom's cell phone and Dad picked up. I was going to tell him that I got stuck in some water and could he come and get me. Then the car started moving and I panicked! I hesitated before rolling down the power windows, which by the grace of God, worked! I climbed out and was sitting on the window ledge, frantically and incoherently screaming at my Dad to come and get me and that I was in some water on 1863. The signal faded because of the sudden surge of current that swept me away from the car. The last I saw of the little green Camry was the rear end sticking vertically out of the water- it had taken a nose-dive and was filling up with water.

The current swept me away into pure blackness. I remember panicking and thinking, "is this it, God? Is this how I'm going to die?" The current was so swift and sucked me under the water. I kicked and paddled trying to stay afloat and keep my head above the masses of debris that were piling up. Once or twice I got sucked underwater and debris piled up over my head. I was scared it I wouldn't be able to come back up for air, that too much debris would accumulate over my head. I fought and kicked and paddled to stay on the water's surface. I was freezing and could barely feel my limbs. I tried grabbing some of the cliff's edge as the water rushed me past it, but there was nothing to grab. I screamed, "Jesus save me!"  I had read about stories in which some one drowns because they kick and tire themselves out. So I floated on my back like they tell you to in swim lessons and life guard training. I'm not sure how long I floated.

Miraculously, a medium sized tree branch floated by and I grabbed onto it. It proved to be a stable flotation device. I just hung onto it and began yelling, "Help! I'm in the water! My car got swept away." My voice echoed on the cliffs and some houses on the hilltops began turning their lights on. I kept yelling. My own voice scared me as it echoed in that canyon-like space- it sounded scared and pitiful. The water slowed down around a bend in the creek and I kicked my legs, still clinging to the log until I got across to the left side of the bank where it was soft and muddy and full of bushes.

I climbed up the side of the bank and looked for any kind of light. "Jesus, save me." My cell phone was still in my hand. Of course, it didn't work. There was some sort of light in the distance. I yelled and yelled. I saw only headlights in the water from a car. I started running through the brush hoping I would find a house and someone could help me. I continued yelling and running. I hoped I wouldn't hyperventilate- I was so scared. "God, don't forget about me. Help me!" I ran through this dark bushy area, bumping into trees and getting caught in brush- it was so dark out there. I finally saw a barbed wire fence. I hoped it lead to someone's property, so I climbed over the fence, and found the painted stripe of the road! I had never been so happy to see 1863! There were blinking lights! I went further a little ways down the road to exactly the low water crossing that had swept me away. On the other side were 2 ambulences and about 3 police cars along with some trucks of neighbors. I screamed and waved my arms and ran towards them. "I'm over here! My name is Stephanie! My car got swept away! Come and get me!" Their flood lights hit me along with a surge of relief. "God, thank you for saving me! Thank you!"

EMS didn't do anything. They just stood there. I don't think they could hear me over the roar of the rushing water. I kept yelling, "Can you send someone from New Braunfels?" I thought, surely they were radioing New Braunfels and in 15-20 minutes an ambulance would come from behind me and rescue me. I was freezing. I felt every breeze. I realized that my standing still on the roadside would only make me colder. I just wanted to sit. What about hypothermia? I sure could be in danger of it! So I jumped up and down to keep warm. I jumped up and down and prayed.

I prayed that God would fill me with His Holy Spirit, that He'd give me strength and warmth and endurance. I mostly prayed for warmth. I prayed that He wouldn't let me pass out, that I'd stay conscious, that I wouldn't get hypothermia. I prayed for supernatural warmth. I reminded God of His Word, "God, you've engraved me on the palm of Your Hand. You promised not to forget me! You also said you know the plans you have for me, plans to prosper me, not to harm me. Plans to give me a hope and a future. Thank you God that you have a plan for me! Oh Lord, you aren't finished with me yet! Thank you for saving me! Thank you for saving me! Thank you that you created me in my mother's womb and knowing me completely even then. Thank you that you aren't done with me. There is still a chance for you to grow me to be that Proverbs 31 woman!" I prayed for my parents that they would have peace and God would help them to not be worried.

I thought I saw a light in the distance behind me on the road, so I started yelling for help, that I was on the side of the road. I heard some man's voice, but couldn't make out what he was saying. I thought that someone on the New Braunfel's side just couldn't find me.

The flood lights across from me began to turn off. "NO!!! Don't leave me!" Then a voice on a bullhorn said, "Ma'am, we're not going to leave you. Help is on the way." I continued jumping to stay warm and began to pray for someone to come from New Braunfels. What I didn't know was that I was caught between 2 low water crossings. I was stuck in the middle. I didn't know at the time that my Dad and EMS were at the New Braunfels side of the water crossing looking for me, not seeing the car and thinking I was dead. "Jump up and down if you're name is Stephanie," the bullhorn said. So I jumped higher and waved my arms frantically screaming "Yes!"  I wondered if mom and dad were among the people with EMS standing near the flood lights. At one point I called out, "Mom! Dad!" But no one could hear me over the rushing water.  I continued praying for the Power of the Holy Spirit and for someone to come from the other way.

Eventually, headlights came towards me from behind. I turned and waved to get their attention. They slowed down and told me to get in. They asked if my name was Stephanie. I said yes and that I live in Rim Rock Ranch and was driving home from work in New Braunfels. They began radioing someone saying they'd found me. They said I'd be staying with them tonight.

They took me to their house at a shooting range. Mr. Ferris and his son took me inside, where Mrs. Ferris handed me towels and sweats to change into and the phone to call my parents. I called my mom to tell her I was okay. She told me to call my dad. When I called him, he was still at the water crossing on New Braunfel's side and he cried. Mrs. Ferris had already called them to tell them that they'd found me, but they wanted to hear my voice. When I went into the bathroom to dry off and change, I saw that I had cattails and thistles tangled up in my hair. My formerly white shirts were khaki-ish brown and one sleeve was torn. Debris was all in my hair and all over me. I left a trail of it where ever I walked. I couldn't believe I was safe. The previous hour and a half seemed completely surreal and UNreal. I wanted to cry and tell God how thankful I was, but no tears would come. I just thanked God over and over in the simplest words.

I stayed at the Ferris's overnight. They were incredibly nice to me and took care of me. They lived in the only house on the hill stuck between those two low water crossings. They had taken care of a couple people in floods before. I told them how God had saved me. The next morning, when the water went down, my Dad came to get me. We went home. I was so glad to be home.

I am so blessed to be alive today. God had His Hand on my life. He saved me. He's the only reason I am alive. He's not done with me yet. If I had died that night, I would have felt that my life had had barely any value to the Kingdom of God. But I have another chance, more life for God to use. I really believe He has a plan for me and that it wasn't fulfilled yet, so He brought me through this whole ordeal in one piece to accomplish what He planned for my life before I was even born. He still has something for me to do in life. I'm so thankful that He's allowing me to fulfill that purpose, whatever it is.

I have prayed that this story would be written in an unexaggerated way, that God would use this story (even in written form) for His glory. The clearest point that I need to make, if not clear enough yet, is: God saved my life! I did none of this in my own strength. I could not have done it! I am a girly city girl. I could not have survived this on my own! And God protected me from being harmed, from breaking bones, concussions, and all of that! And I am so incredibly grateful for everyone who prayed for me. God saved my life! I hope this testimony of God's unmovable will, amazing power, loving protection, and undeserved grace towards me blesses others and gives testimony to how I am now changed because of it.

Psalm116:1-9
I love the Lord because He hears and answers my prayers. He bends down and listens. I will pray as long as I have breath! Death had its hands around my throat; the terrors of the grave overtook me. I saw only trouble and sorrow. Then I called on the name of the Lord: "Please, Lord, save me!" How kind the Lord is! How good He is! So merciful, this God of ours! The Lord protects those of childlike faith; I was facing death, and then He saved me. Now I can rest again, for the Lord has been so good to me. He has saved me from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling. And so I walk in the Lord's presence as I live here on earth!

(Two months later, after the waters went down, we got a call from a guy saying he found my car on his property. We went out to the bottom of his almost dry creekbed and found this. My keys with my college ID keychain were still in the ignition.)


xoxo,